IV. April 27, 1998: Exercising of Your Free Will
Our society puts a high stake on expressing our emotions, being "fully human," and like
concepts, at least in our Western world. We consider those in the Eastern cultures who prefer to
remain calm and unemotional to be "repressing" their emotions, which we consider harmful to
mental and physical health. But this is a cultural choice, and represents the adolescent phase of
social development of the current American culture.
When I was in my thirties, I attended a week-long course on group dynamics, during
which we had two encounter groups a day. In these groups, we were expected to be open and
honest in our expressions of ideas and feelings on all subjects. With the exception of two members
all of us were in our thirties and forties. The exception was an elderly couple, both in their late
During one of these meetings, we younger ones were very animated over whatever subject
was under discussion. The elderly couple just sat there and said nothing all meeting long. At the
end, one of us asked them why they hadn't said much. The gray-haired gentleman calmly said,
"We used to worry about those things when we were your age. But not anymore." They were
now in the reflective stage of life.
While the Essence operates on intellect alone, and is incapable of having or expressing
emotions, that is not to say that the intellect is more important than emotions. Both parts of our
"bipartite mind" are of equal value, and both are needed for us to live our lives as our "Creator"
intended them to be lived. The difficulties come in when we exercise only one part or the other.
Only in dissociated persons, such as those with MPD, do we see pure emotionality in the
operation of the alter-personalities, or pure rationality in the operation of the ISH. The majority of
the human population operates in balance between the two poles. It is like being inside a coin.
Each coin has a "head" and a "tail" surface. If you were to imagine yourself inside a coin, you
cannot be just the "head" or just the "tail." You will be located somewhere between 1% "head"
and 99% "tail" and 99% "head" and 1% "tail. Where you are on that spectrum between one face
and the other will depend on what the situation demands. Even in the most emotional state, there
is still that "observing self" operating from the rational, intellectual aspect. Even when one is
philosophizing intellectually, there is still a trace of emotionality in one, such as the feeling of
pride for doing a good job.
Only the Emotional Self, the part of the bipartite mind which is "hooked into" the
neurohormones required to experience all human emotions, can experience and express emotions.
This does not make emotionality more or less important than the capacity to view matters
intellectually. For us human beings, both are equally important, and it takes both functions to
make us the complete human being "The Creator" designed to live on this globe. "The Creator"
does not create defective products, only perfect ones. We were not born with any "original sin,"
as that concept is unknown to "The Creator," who made us exactly the way "The Creator"
wanted us to be. "The Creator" made us with both our emotionality and intellectuality intact,
coordinated, and functional. What we need to do is use both, each when appropriate.
Human Free Will
The primary difference between the consciousness of "The Creator" and other full-time
residents of Thoughtspace is that those "fragments" of consciousness given to humans have been
endowed by "The Creator" with FREE WILL. This is not meant in the political sense of being free
from domination by physical authorities. It is meant to indicate that the Essence and its Charge,
(the Intellectual Self and the Emotional Self), have been granted the Free Will to ignore
instructions from "The Creator."
This is not the case for those entities who are full-time residents of Thoughtspace. Being
nonhuman, these entities, who work directly for "The Creator," are aware of and in full sympathy
with the goals of "The Creator," so they are blissful while following "His" instructions. They
always do what "He" wants, but they can do it in any way that they need to. There are no limits to
the range of options they have available to accomplish their respective tasks. There are no rebels
in Thoughtspace. All efforts are totally coordinated. Since "The Creator" is perfect, all of his
creations are perfect. "He" has never made any imperfect assistants who even dreamed of
rebelling against "Him."
Therefore, "The Creator" made us humans with the capacity to exercise our Free Will to
ignore the Master Life Plan which "The Creator" laid out for us before our first incarnation. In
each lifetime, we start with a Life Plan designed to get the most out of that new lifetime. Free Will
and emotionality go hand in glove, as one could not function without the other. However, "The
Creator" still has limits on how far we can go in utilizing our Free Will. We will be allowed to do
lots of damage, if we want to, but there is still an ultimate limit. "The Creator" can stop us dead in
our tracks, with a number of maneuvers, including our bodily death, mediated by our Essence.
But, as long as we are emotional, we will have the desire to do that which is not wise, from the
point of view of the Essence.
But our Essence will not criticize us for doing so. It realizes we are fully human and
cherishes us for that quality. It knows that we have to grow and mature, and that we are all in
some phase of immaturity. So it watches from the sidelines while we act out on our emotions and
take actions which could get us and a lot of others into serious trouble. But the Essence is still
endowed with powers and abilities to bring us to a screeching halt, if it decides we are about to go
Combating Free Will
When I treated patients with MPD in a small psychiatric ward, there was one lady whose
persecutor alter-personality kept trying to escape from the ward. I did not want to lock the door,
since other patients and staff needed to come and go. So I asked the ISH/Essence of this patient
to have her faint if she took one step outside the front door of the ward. The ISH/Essence agreed,
and the next time she tried to escape, she fainted and fell to the floor just outside the door. After
finding herself on the floor face down three times in a row, the patient decided to stay on the ward
until she was ready for discharge. This can happen to anyone, because the Essence is in charge of
our consciousness at any given moment.
Free Will and Social Policy
The exercising of Free Will by humans is responsible for a wide variety of actions which
are considered irrational from the point of view of the Essences. Waging war, the death penalty,
surgical abortions, revenge actions of all kinds, suicide, and euthanasia are all choices made by
Emotional Selves who have not been listening to their Essences. If the Emotional Self is unaware
of the spiritual forces in the Universe, it will not let them do their jobs. It then thinks that it alone
is able to solve all the problems of the world, and must be in control of all matters in our globe
The Emotional Self of a worker may be conditioned by cultural standards that say persons
should stay with the first job they get until they are old enough to retire. But each Life Plan is
made up of phases and the job suitable in one phase may be destructive for them in a later phase.
In my case, I stayed about 12 years in each phase of my career. I spent 12 years as a student in
college, medical school, and psychiatric training. Then I spent 12 years working in Santa Cruz.
Most recently I spent 13 years working at CMC. After about 12 years I knew all that I want to
about each one of those jobs, and there is no challenge left for me. It is then time to move onto
the next phase in my Life Plan.
While in private practice in Santa Cruz, I also took on a large number of medical political
duties, thinking that I should be the kind of doctor most physicians were unwilling to be. While
many of my medical peers spent most of their efforts on making as much money as they could in
their practices, so they could invest in real estate or fly off to their favorite hunting grounds in
Wyoming, I volunteered for a variety of unpaid positions in medical organizations. This required
my traveling long distances to meetings, always after working a full day's schedule. I would drive
from Santa Cruz to San Francisco after work on Monday to attend an evening meeting, then drive
from Santa Cruz to Salinas after work the next Tuesday to attend another meeting. I also had a
moral code that I should see every patient in the hospital every day, or I was not a "good doctor."
This was done either at noon, or after office hours. Sometimes I had so many patients in the
hospital at one time I had to resort to "group rounds" just to lay eyes on each one and make chart
notes. I thought I had to do "real psychotherapy" to be a "good psychiatrist" and that took a lot
of time and effort.
At the same time, I was taking on the most difficult patients in town, as the other
psychiatrists recognized my inability to say, "No," to cases they couldn't handle. As a result, my
abdomen started hurting, and I thought I was always hungry. I didn't think of the possibility that I
was getting physically sick from trying to do too much in too little time, so I never had any
physical examination to find the cause of my chronic gnawing midabdominal pain.
Then, one night, as I was getting ready for bed, I sat on the toilet and blood gushed from
both ends of my gastrointestinal tract. I fell on the floor, and my wife called my medical doctor.
He told her to get me to the hospital emergency room as soon as possible. By a miracle, I was
able to get up and walk to the car. She drove me to the ER where my doctor recognized that I
had bled from a duodenal ulcer. He put ice water down the stomach tube and started a blood
transfusion. I spent the next eight days in the hospital medical ward where my family and I spent
that Christmas holiday. I was off work for the next six weeks.
While lying in that hospital bed, I realized that in my drive to prove what a good doctor I
was, I had done too much and had to stop. I resigned from all of my committee positions and
vowed that I would never again let anyone drive me to another ulcer. The ulcer completely
healed, but I now knew my weak organ system. It took this drastic a step for my Essence,
Michael, to get my attention, and for me to moderate my activities. I did not actually get any
pleasure in doing the committee work, as I was primarily a therapist. But I knew that only 10 per
cent of doctors do all of the work in these organizations, and I wanted to be a "complete doctor."
That meant doing those chores which our organizations wanted someone to do, and few were
willing to volunteer. I had an emotional need to prove I was more noble than anyone else, and
there was no practical reason to do that.
I moved to Davis because I literally went broke in practice. This is rare for a doctor, but I
accomplished it. Actually it was arraigned by Michael and his "supervisors," who wanted me to
move from Santa Cruz to Davis, so I would meet and integrate a certain patient with MPD who
was living there. To do that, they made sure the nun who headed the hospital where I treated
inpatients had a heart attack. She was replaced by the man who was currently the business
manager. While the nun was a public-spirited woman who wanted the psychiatric ward to remain
open for humanitarian reasons, the business manager soon started making demands that we
psychiatrists make more money to pay our "fair share" of overhead expenses, such as the laundry
and groundskeeping costs. He made the figures appear that we could not, so he closed the
psychiatric ward and turned the space over to the money making neurosurgical service. Thus I
lost a quarter of my gross income when the psychiatric ward closed and psychiatric patients were
all steered to the county hospital. I had no privileges there, so I could not treat inpatients. Only
the salaried county psychiatrists could see patients in the hospital now.
Michael knew that I would not move from Santa Cruz for any reason other than financial,
so he made sure I had no way to make enough money to meet my financial obligations. One day I
sat down and listed my income and outgo, and I realized that I had cut all the items I had power
to cut. There was no way to earn more money in that small county without getting a salaried job.
The only jobs were at the mental health service, which I used to run. Now the director was
someone who used to be my employee. He was not about to hire back his old boss as his
So I went looking for salaried jobs out of county and was offered two. One was in a
private hospital that catered to wealthy families who placed their wayward sons there, with
diagnoses of "borderline personality disorders." They had daily "psychotherapy" with the
attending psychiatrists. I felt that if I took that job I would be a prostitute. This sense of revulsion
was so strong in me, thanks to Michael's "urging," that I took the job in Davis at the Yolo
County Mental Health Service at a lower salary.
That job had opened up suddenly because the psychiatrist there had become ill with
hepatitis. Before he knew the diagnosis, however, he injected himself with steroids and
accidentally killed himself. I called the program chief, an old friend of mine, for a job only a week
after the death, before he had even had time to advertize for a replacement.
However, after three years, the program chief and the local private psychiatric group
covering night and weekend calls could not agree on the terms of a new contract. The program
chief told me that we salaried psychiatrists would have to do that work in addition to our regular
clinic work, which was difficult enough. I objected as loud as I could, but no contract was signed.
Shortly after that, my midabdomen started hurting again. This time I rushed to my doctor, had an
upper GI series x-ray and found I had a new duodenal ulcer. I took medicine to cure it and
notified my boss I was going to quit and look for another job. That is when I decided to move to
San Luis Obispo and work at CMC. That was where I belonged for the next 13 years.
I now know that Michael, my Essence, is able to give me any illness, including duodenal
ulcers, so he was responsible for doing this to me. He knew it was the only way I would make the
moves I had to make. I had been there long enough and needed a new work and home
The job at CMC became available by a similar manipulation by Michael's "supervisors." A
psychiatrist from Chicago had been hired for the only opening at CMC before I went there to be
interviewed. But, after I had already had secured another job and arranged to move to Los Osos,
he called the chief psychiatrist at CMC to report that the housing market had dropped so badly, he
could not sell his house. So he couldn't take the prison job. The chief psychiatrist phoned me that
night and begged me to apply for the job. I felt sorry for him and agreed to do so, having already
rented a house in Los Osos. The CMC job came through as promised, so I came to work at the
prison instead of the clinic where I had first been hired.
After my retirement, I continued to work part-time at CMC as a "retired annuitant." I
needed to come there each week for some hours, as I got a lot of gratification in dealing with the
appreciative staff. I had to wean myself off of the job over time. But again Michael and his
"supervisors" wanted me to get out of there entirely. One day I was hired for a private legal case
in Fresno, and the lawyer who hired me wanted information about the current psychiatric
treatment program in the prison system. The organization had changed since I had retired so I
asked the Chief Psychologist if I could look at the new regulations. He put them out for me to see
on my next visit, but on top of them was his own note. He wrote that he now knew the prison
regulations required me to get his approval to do any private legal work in the local courts. I
really became upset and angry at that, since I had been doing this for 15 years without anyone's
approval or complaints. I was only earning $50 per hour working a few hours a month at the
prison, and I billed $150 per hour working for attorneys. This jerk of a psychologist wanted me to
beg him to let me do it in the future!
I was so angry and insulted at this intrusion into my rights to work outside the prison that
I vowed never to work in the prison again. That was just what Michael and his "supervisors" had
wanted to happen. They knew which buttons to push in my Emotional Self to get me to quit and
not go to work at CMC. They knew how to up the ante high enough so that the monetary benefits
of working part-time at CMC could not outweigh my outrage at being told what I could or could
not do by some pipsqueak psychologist.
The Essence is the prime creator of our dissatisfaction with our current assignment, and it
provides the push to look for new and better opportunities. There are many stories written about
the couple who gave up the big house and income in the city to open a bed and breakfast place in
a rural area, and are so much happier even though their income is much less. They have followed
their Life Plans and moved on to work which their previous endeavors had well-trained them, and
spiritually they were growing in the new environment.
The Essence will keep setting up changes around us at work to make us miserable at what
we are doing, using our emotions to get us to leave our present work. Unfortunately, some of us
have bought into the idea that suffering is noble, and we exercise our Free Will to stay there and
be miserable. But the Essence is not in favor of us being miserable, as a general principle. It uses
our discomfort to encourage us to move on. Even the most stubborn of us, like me, eventually
"get the message," and take the options that have opened up for us but which we have rejected
Some people are said to be accident prone. This means that they keep having more than
their expected share of physical injuries due to "accidents." Since the Essence knows everything
that might be a danger to its Charge, all accidents are foreseeable and therefore preventable, if the
Emotional Self is in touch with its Essence. When someone is always hitting something or tripping
over something "by accident," it may be because the Essence has given them a "negative
hallucination" of the hazard in front of them. Of course they ran into it. They could not see it.
Negative hallucinations are easy to produce in trance states of highly hypnotizable people.
The hypnotist only has to tell the subject that they will no longer see the therapist in his chair.
When the subject comes out of trance, she will think the therapist's chair is empty, and conclude
that he has left the office. Actually he is still in the chair but her Essence is causing her not to see
him and is filling in the blank space with imagery of the back of the chair, which constitutes a
"positive hallucination." The person will act like the therapist is no longer there and may decide to
leave the office.
The hypnotist should have instructed the patient that when she hears the sound of his pen
dropping on the desk, he will again be visible. So when she hears a pen striking the desk, suddenly
her therapist reappears in his previously "empty" seat. It is as simple as that, for highly
The Essence of any of us can do the same thing whenever it wants to. Once I went with
my son to a restaurant with outdoor seating. We walked up to the hostess and gave our name for
a table inside. I saw nobody I knew sitting at the outside tables. When the hostess called our
names for a table, we walked past the outdoor tables toward our indoor table. Only as we were
going past those tables outdoors did I see a woman sitting there whom I knew. We were already
past her on the way indoors, so it was too late to say, "Hello." She was a woman that my son
objected to my having anything to do with, one whom he had refused to meet for lunch the day
before. My Essence did not want me to be in an awkward situation with my son, on one of his
infrequent visits to my home, so he had given me a "negative hallucination" of this woman, who
was sitting there looking straight at us all the time we were waiting. But I did not see her until we
had passed her. For several minutes before that, I was looking straight at the table where she was
sitting. As far as I was concerned, she was nowhere to be seen.
The Essence is also in charge of when we get what illness, so it can counter our use of
Free Will by making us too sick to do what we want to do. How many times have you wanted to
do something you knew you should not do but got sick at the last minute and had to make
excuses? That was your Essence stopping you from doing something it considered too dangerous
for you to do. There are no illnesses which are only fortuitous or coincidental. There are no
coincidents. All illnesses are under the management of the Essence, who decides how sick we will
get and for how long. The Essence does this through the manipulation of our immune system,
which it causes to be less than an effective repellant to the bacteria and viruses which are always
present in our environment. It can use any illness it thinks appropriate to counter our use of Free
Will, if it wants to. So, when we do become ill, we need to think of what we wanted to do instead
of stay home in bed. We need to realize that such an act would not have been in our best interest,
even though it might have been emotionally satisfying.
Coping with Stubbornness
In my case, I have always prided myself on being firm in my resolve to stick with a hard
task until I completed it. I consider myself firm in my convictions, but my Essence considers me
stubborn. It all depends on your point of view. In my case, when I could have given up on difficult
problems long ago, I stuck with them. I learned a lot in the process, but I also suffered a lot, too.
If I had decided to forgo my Free Will to stick in there while miserable, I know my Essence would
have guided me into more fruitful and pleasant endeavors. But my stubbornness was something I
took pride in and called "stick-to-it-iveness." As a result of my sticking in there with more
responsibilities than I could handle, I almost bled to death from an acute bleeding duodenal ulcer
when I was in practice in Santa Cruz. I didn't pay any attention to the burning abdominal pain I
had for months before I ended up in the hospital with blood transfusions running into my arm. The
next time I got the same pains, I got an upper GI series x-ray soon, calmed the new ulcer down
with medications, and gave notice to my boss that I was resigning as soon as I could find another
job. I didn't need to go the same route twice. Once was enough. My Essence only had to give me
a small ulcer that time. It need not bleed this time to get my attention.
Dealing with Parents
All of us have parents. Some of us have dysfunctional parents. Boys identify with their
fathers as to what they ought to be when they grow up. Girls identify with their mothers as to
what they should be when they grow up. However, since everyone has his or her own Life Plan,
the Life Plan of the parent is not going to be the same as the Life Plan of the child. We all
therefore have to deal with the residual of that emotional identification with one parent or
another, which is embedded in the Emotional Self.
The Essence, on the other hand, is trying to have us become a separate individual who is
doing what has been laid out in our own Life Plan. We might see that as in conflict with what our
parents expect us to do, or what we think we need do to please our parents. This frequently
comes up in the matter of occupational choices and choosing a major for college. If one comes
from a family in which all "successes" have been lawyers, and most have worked for the family
law firm, then the pressure can be tremendous to go to law school and then join the family firm.
Also, the income can be expected to be much higher than if one went into journalism or writing
novels, for example. The pressure on the Emotional Self to conform to family expectations can be
tremendous and is one more example of the unwise use of Free Will. Some children in such a
family may be perfectly suited to that role. But others should forego the pleasure of such financial
and social gratifications and go their own ways, as writers, teachers, or painters. They have to be
strong enough to listen to their "still small voice within" and make the choice which is "right" for
them. When they follow the direction of their Essences, they will not truly alienate their parents,
they will make them proud of them for doing well in their chosen field of endeavor.
Since the Essence, as well as the Emotional Self, was originally given Free Will, the
Essence can also exercise Free Will when and if it so chooses. When that happens, we have what
is called a "Turned Essence." This is a person in which both the Essence and its Charge are
operating on the basis of Free Will. While the Emotional Self would be doing so to act out the
emotions he or she is experiences, the Essence has no such emotions. But it can have a serious
Attitude Problem, and it can be very dissatisfied with what it has been doing or is expected to do.
In such a case, it fails to work with its Charge in following the Life Plan, and it decides they will
do something else.
People who have Turned Essences make up a large portion of the career criminals of our
population, as well as those who use terrorism. There is no way to appeal to "their better nature,"
since that term applies to their Essences. These Turned Essences cannot be dealt with correctively
here in our social service and criminal justice systems, as their correction needs to be done in
Thoughtspace before their next incarnation.
Producing Turned Essences
We seem to have a larger number of criminals in our society and we wonder why. Looking
at it from this point of view, there are several options. One has to do with prolonging physical life
with life support equipment, which Essences detest. This can overtax the Essence of the dying
person, who has only been trained to deal with life up to that point. He has no training on how to
be the Essence of a man in a coma hooked up to life support machinery for a year or more. When
that man is finally allowed to "cease to exist," the Essence will have an "attitude problem." It will
not care about the welfare of others, and can be considered a "turned Essence." This is an Essence
that is exercising Free Will, leading its Charge into a life of crime, without remorse. This is one
possible source of child killers and youngsters who are gang members without evidence of a
Any Essence who has the desire to destroy somebody else has become a turned Essence.
If the Essence agrees that murder is a suitable way to get revenge, that Essence will not be
helping its Emotional Self live out its Life Plan, in most cases. An Essence knows that no other
Essence can be destroyed, so it looks for a negotiated settlement to all disputes. A properly
functioning Essence is not going to sanction murderous behavior on the part of its Charge. If it
does, it has failed to fulfill its duties, as laid down by its "supervisors." When that happens, it will
be housed in a special rehabilitation camp in Thoughtspace prior to its next incarnation. It will not
be allowed to reincarnate unless it has changed its tune, in most cases.
Why Free Will in Humans?
Human beings are the only living organisms to whom "The Creator" has given Free Will.
There can be much discussion as to whether or not "The Creator" made a mistake, but we will not
consider that as possible, as "The Creator" only makes perfect creations. There must have been a
reason. Here is not the place to speculate on what those reasons might be, but, as a result, we are
the "spark plugs" on this globe. We are the ones who experiment, invent, and have novel
experiences. Thus we learn, grow and develop our intelligence, awareness and spirituality. If all
we could do was follow our Life Plan to the letter, we would have to be like animals, operating
primarily on instinct and orders from masters. Whereas animals are built with mainly instinctual
drives to keep them alive and functioning, we are built with minimal instinctual drives, but many
capacities to learn, experiment and grow with experience. Without Free Will operating, we would
never do so most of the things we learn from. As Thomas Edison is alleged to have said, "It isn't
the most important that I finally learned how to make a lightbulb after 1,000 tries. I learned even
more by not making a lightbulb 999 times."
Limits on Free Will
Still, for the safety of the planet, "The Creator" does set limits on how far from his desires
we can stray. When I visited the Atomic Museum in Albuquerque, NM, I learned that there had
been a number of accidental openings of nuclear bomber bomb bay doors on landing approaches
to our airbases. Each opening presented a chance that an armed atomic bomb would drop on the
airbase and explode. But in not one of those accidents did the bomb come loose. "The Creator"
could not take that risk with our safety, in spite of our human carelessness, resulting from
someone's exercise of Free Will.